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Letter To A Grieving Parent

11/6/2015

2 Comments

 
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​For anybody who is a friend or family member of Kirsten Smithson, you will likely never forget this week.  The manner in which this exceptional young woman left us is, and will always be, incomprehensible.  We witness the inconsolable grief of Terri, Drew and Alex and are at a loss for something, anything to say that might, if only for a moment, ease their pain.  But the right words are difficult to come by, maybe because there is no such thing as a "right word" in such difficult circumstances.

Several years ago, I was watching a documentary on Netflx called Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. Ram Dass is an American who had a spiritual awakening after a trip to India in the 60s. He has spent the past four decades writing and speaking about spirituality and consciousness throughout the world.  

Ram Dass ("servent of God" in Hindi) is widely known for his work with the dying and families of those who have passed.  In the film, he told a story about a couple who lost their teenage daughter Rachel in a violent murder.  Their pain unbearable, they sent a letter to Ram Dass, hoping that he could share some wisdom that would help them make sense out of such tragedy.  

Ram Dass read the letter he sent to the parents.  It is both poetic and profound, and is something I have re-read many times over the years.  Under the circumstances, I thought it would be fitting to share this letter with you today.

​With much love and peace 

Dear Steve and Anita, 

Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation. 

I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves. 

No
w is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.

​In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was. 

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts – if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me. 

In love, 
Ram Dass



2 Comments
Mary Everett
4/18/2020 07:19:39 am

Almost 14 years ago, my big brother, hero and best friend and his dog were killed in an unusual and tragic accident while he was vacationing alone at a rented cottage by Lake Huron Ontario. Sadly it was at least 5 days before his body was found because he was an introvert and it was not unusual for him to go off for his week twice a year and not hear from him again till he got back. So, for several days while the police investigated the cause which had to include taping off and 24 hour surveillance of his home, “interviewing” the family, friends and his girlfriend of 11 years, the news kept implying the worse...”murder, suicide, unknown causes” and then the rumours went around that surrounded and supported the news reports. And the police could not deny or confirm anything because it was still being investigated.
When we finally found out it was indeed an accident and not at the hands of someone else, known or unknown and he did not kill himself, began the painful task of planning his memorial and each of us siblings, students and friends deciding what to say.
Three weeks later, a crowd of at least 500 showed up on that beautiful summer afternoon to pay their respects to my brother, who we found out, was a hero to many more people besides me and my younger brother. It was overwhelming!
Months before, I had read Ram Dass’ book FIERCE GRACE and was so moved by Rachaels story and the letter that Ram Dass wrote that it came to mind immediately, to read that letter so as to comfort myself and the grieving crowd that gathered. It’s heartfelt message to Rachel’s parents was so beautifully and eloquently written and I felt like that book (the first Ram Dass book I had ever read) was sent to me so that I could find comfort in those loving words and pass them on to others who felt that loss too.
Now years later, my niece, who living out west and not really knowing my brother so did not come to his funeral, is finding Ram Dass in her life thru the recent movies so I told her about my reading this at Uncle Bob’s memorial and she asked me to send it to her which lead me to your page to forward it, and leave u with these words.
I am so sorry for your loss and so happy that u found Ram Dass’ letter to help comfort u as well.

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    Hi, I'm Doug.  I'm a writer who, over the coming months, will be traveling more than 10,000 miles on a Greyhound Bus. My goal: discover something about America and, in the process, a little bit about myself.

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